I make people jealous

Or, women, rather.  I don't understand why, because no one should be jealous or envious of me.  Well, maybe homeless people.  But still.

In the last couple of weeks, people (read: women) have told me the following:

"I'm so jealous of your hair." (my hairline is receding at enough of a rate that I have dreams about being Hulk Hogan.)

"How can you eat so much?  You must be 20 pounds overweight." (I am.  At least.)

"You're kind of my fashion icon.  I like how you don't care about your clothes." (Well, I don't, but I don't get any respect, either.)

"I wish I weren't so depressed.  You're always so happy and lucky." (Ok, that was a dude.)

It's true, the grass is always greener.  I heard an interview on NPR with some guy who wrote fiction about being depressed and also a family; he mentioned that he viewed minor, non-clinical depression as a kind of survival mechanism for people with shitty lives, like the Jews (his words).  Expect shittiness, and when you get it, you won't feel so bad.  I don't know where he gets his depression, because mine is all about being unable to function and having that prevent you from functioning.

I've heard that it's like ADHD; you have only so much concentration to spend on things that bore you/make you anxious and ADHD sufferers basically don't have a full stock like some people.  It may be possible to drain your supply so constantly that it's like you have some sort of problem without legitimately feeling like you're allowed to self-diagnose because then you would be another in the army of people ruining the American health care system.  Fortunately, it may very well be that the solution is to fix the stuff that's draining your supply.  Unless you're Jewish, apparently, in which case you're doomed to permanent pessimism and the resultant depression.

Meanwhile, ladies, really: be born Hispanic (ok, use only a Starburst-shaped amount (the candy) of shampoo and wash the roots of your hair (condition throughout) every other day), add 28 grams of dietary fiber to your diet (one of only a few proven ways to prevent insulin spikes), and, well, don't expect to get hired for any management positions.  Oh, and dude, when you're depressed, you remember all the bad things and none of the good, so you have a bias and that's why you think other people are happier.  It's Science.